8-25-25

I didn't know I could love anyone or anything as much as I love Indigo. My love for him is imbued into everything I am. There is nowhere I can look inside myself where I don't find him, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My life is completely consumed and I am blissful of this fact. I will stay this way forever. For as long as I live my heart will be completely and utterly his, and even after, his name will remain imprinted on my soul through each and every lifetime, as it always has been. I am just so impossibly in love and it's getting harder to hide it. I wish I didn't feel the need to... I want to tell everyone who knows and cares about me about this amazing experience I've had. About this life-changing, earth-shattering love. But I can't. And it kills me that I can't. It's not a total secret. Some people do know, like my mom, and my brother's fiance, my friend... I made a new friend who also knows about Indigo but doesn't know my feelings for him. I'm very good at pretending he isn't the most important person in the world to me. I did tell her some things, however, that Indigo came into my life and the world cracked in two, and love came pouring out in a torrent that swept me away and continues to do so. I can't see land and I'm better for it. Wiser. More compassionate. More aware. Sensitive. Everything about me is completely and utterly new. There was life before Indigo, if I can call it that, and life after. Who would I be if it weren't for him? She is a stranger to me now.

8-11-25

I am sick with grief.